EPIC BATTLE GO
by Clutter Monster
Summary: A very special way Ishida and Szayel's battle could go. Based of the way the previous chapter ended. NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AT ALL.


**This was born from talking about what Szayel's release would be.Don't own anything  
**

**Bleach stuff belongs to Tite Kubo **

**Yu-Gi-Oh stuff belongs to Kazuki Takahshi, cept for the cards not featured in the manga or anime which technically belong to Konami.**

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"Oh my, did you enjoy your walk?"

Ishida and Renji turned to see their opponent staring at them. Szayel grinned, and twirled. "Behold my superbly excellent battle clothing. The odds of your survival are nil."

Ishida and Renji, having narrowly forced the Espada to retreat earlier raised their weapons and prepared to fight. Odds were they were screwed. Earlier they had been badly injured, and now their opponent was fully healed and dressed in a spiffy new outfit.

Szayel made a disappointed sound and shook his head. "Ignorant cretins, this room you're in has another power." The scientist cackled and produced a scrap of paper. "Anything these cards say will actually occur in this room; for example, this one is called Non-Aggression Area."

"What's that do?" Renji muttered. "Ah, the hell with it. Howl Zabimaru!" Renji's weapon remained unchanged even with the release command, much to his dismay.

"Idiot," the Espada muttered, rubbing his hands against the fragments of his mask. It means-"

"It means we can't use our weapons to attack," Ishida interjected. "But I'm guessing it means you can still use your weapon. So all we have to do is take your sword and-"

"No! Silly ignorant Quincy. I'm bound by my cards as well," Szayel frowned. "So, we'll do battle with these other cards." He retrieved two decks of cards from his pocket. "These are for you."

"Sounds like a load of crap to me," Renji muttered staring at his now useless zanpakuto.

"Ugh, no one asked you, but since you like interrupting and being an idiot, I'll just remove you from the battle," the Arrancar produced another card. "I play Spellbinding Circle."

A flash of light came from the card as a pentagram surrounded Renji. The shinigami soon found he could not move against this bizarre restraint. "What the hell?" he yelled, struggling against his bonds.

"Now you sit there like a good little idiot while I obliterate your friend. Unless, you'd like to be restrained as well?" He smirked, winking at Ishida.

"No thanks. I'd rather finish you off before you run off to change clothes again. I mean what kind of fighter leaves a fight because his clothes get messed up? That's ridiculous. At the very least you should have spare clothes with you or carry a sewing kit," Ishida protested, completely ignoring Renji's futile attempts to escape.

"…Right. Take your cards and shut up like a good little Quincy," Szayel said, tossing one of the card decks at Ishida. "I've analyzed your…tastes…and this deck should be to your liking. "Now the rules are simple. We each have 4000 points. When the points are gone, you die. Monsters can be summoned so long as the requirements are met, magic cards can be played on your turn, and traps need to be set. Or is that all too complicated for you?"

"It is not! In the name of the Quincy I will defeat you at this game, so we can rescue Inoue." Ishida flicked through the cards, wondering if he should've asked for a better explanation before making his boast.

Renji meanwhile was pretending to be somewhere else. Definitely not in the dungeon of a pink haired card playing scientist where his fate depended on Ishida winning a card game.

"Then let's begin," Szayel said, wearing an evil grin. He added one card to a small stack in his hand and looked at Ishida. "I think I'll set this card face down. Oh did I forget to tell you, you could do that? And I'll summon Magical Scientist." Another flash and a creepy man dressed in a labcoat stood in front of the Espada. "I'm afraid that's the only move I have. Don't slay me with your profound mastery of a game you learned in five seconds."

"Shut up!" Ishida looked down at his cards and frowned. "You've got to be kidding me. These…suck."

"They seemed to be the best to match your tastes, Quincy."

"Just because I wield an arrow doesn't mean I have some kind of obsession with them. I mean seriously, that'd be like thinking Rukia has an obsession with bunnies or that Kenpachi has a fixation on violence or Renji with tattoos."

"SHUT UP AND PLAY THE GODDAMN CARD GAME!" Renji yelled, sick of hearing the two talk. "If we're going to die, hurry up. I'm sick of hearing the both of you."

"Fine then. Let's see. I summon Arcane Archer of the Forest!" Ishida's card flashed, summoning the creature to the field. "Destroy his scientist!" The archer readied its bow to attack, only to stall.

"Kekeke, did you think it would be that easy? Reveal trap card! Mirror Force!" Ishida watched as his archer fired at the scientist, only for the arrow to fly back and hit his monster in the chest. The archer dropped to the ground and vanished.

"I take it your stunned silence means your turn ends?" Szayel drew another card and smirked. "Ohohoho, your chances of winning just became negative! I play Scapegoat!" Another flash of light, but instead of the sheep monsters depicted on the card, Szayel's fracciones appeared. "Now, what comes next? Ah, yes. I play Token Thanksgiving." The scientist calmly walked over to his minions and began devouring them.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ishida yelled. "You're not even wounded!"

"Ahaha, of course I'm not injured. We each had 4000 points, but I wanted more." Szayel continued laughing as he wiped away a Fraccion chunk from the corner of his mouth. "By destroying my Scapegoats, I get 800 points for each one. I had four; can you do the math Quincy? Well, can you?"

"Four times 800. Let's see," Renji muttered, wishing he had use of his hands.

"It means you have 7200 points now! That's 3200 plus 4000. You almost doubled your points in one turn!"

"And I'm not done yet, I'll lay set two more cards and end my turn."

Ishida sighed and drew his card. This battle was looking bad enough as it was. "Hmm, I'll set this. And.." He reread the text on his card and looked back at Szayel's monster. "I'll sacrifice 800 of my points to play Brain Control, leaving me with 3200. Now I get control of your Scientist!" The labcoat man vanished from Szayel's side and appeared by Ishida. "Now I'll equip him with Shooting Star Bow-Ceal and summon Guardian Ceal!" Ishida pointed his newfound creatures at Szayel. "In the name of the Quincy, attack him!"

"We might actually win…" Renji muttered yet again.

Szayel screamed as two arrows pierced his side. "No, ah, what have you done?" His shrieks of pain subsided as the laughter began. The arrows faded and he continued laughing. "You've marred my perfect outfit. You're in for it now!" He drew yet another card. "Ohohoho, what have we here? I have a much better card than your Brain Control, and by the way, it's expired." The scientist monster reappeared by Szayel. "I play Change of Heart on your Guardian. And I think I'll do away with this horrible excuse for a monster, to summon this." The Guardian disappeared and was replaced by a mechanical turtle, which stood next to the scientist. "Your demise is imminent Quincy. I pay 1000 points to summon Zombie Warrior to the field." A skeleton appeared by the Arrancar and quickly vanished. "Where did it go? I have no clue, check your points. My turtle let's me fire a monster at you, dealing damage equal to half its power. So you lose 600 points. And I'll use the effect again, and again and again."

Several minutes later both competitors were down to their last remaining points. "And now for my final move, I'll use the effect once more to summon the Flame Swordsman. He'll be more than enough for my Turtle to finish you. Oh I could win this with a direct shot, but I'd much rather beat you with my scientific skill than stupid brute strength," the Espada stated, shooting a look of disgust at Renji.

"Heh, you're pretty good at this Arrancar. But I've got you beat," a bruised and battered Ishida said.

"What?"

"What did you tell me earlier? Did you think it would be that easy? Well did you? Reveal Trap! Ring of Destruction!"

"What? You had a Trap set?"

"What, were you too busy calculating? Now if my math is right, you only have 500 points to my 200 after summoning that Swordsman. The ring attaches and detonates, subtracting his strength from both of our points, ending in a tie."

"You're insane! You'll kill us both!"

"It is obvious you wish to impede our rescue; therefore, you must be stopped. Besides, we have other members so this won't be in vain. In the name of the Quincy, go Ring of Destruction!" A ring of grenades circled around the Flame Swordsman. After a second and a whimper from the Octavo Espada, it detonated obliterating both combatants.

The blast itself jarred Renji from his nice nap he was taking. The Soul Reaper attempted to move forward, but found the pentagram still held him in place. "Guys…Ichigo? Chad? Rukia…Someone? Hell, Aizen? HELP ME!"

Meanwhile, in another part of Las Noches, Aizen frowned after watching the battle on his monitor. "Another Espada down, pity."

"This wouldn't have happened if they could walk justice's righteous path."

"Maybe, ya oughta have taught him to play Pokemon instead, Tousen," Gin spoke, startling Aizen's other henchman, as well as Aizen himself.

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_**Review/rate please?  
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